Since last I blogged, a lot has gone on in the life of Mary K. Witte. For purposes of this blog entry however, it is sufficient only to say that, sadly, Chesapeake Chicken and Rockin’ Ribs closed up shop last fall. And so, having found myself in the position to either pack up and move back to NYC or stick it out here on the
So far it has been a fairly reasonable experience. Physically it’s exhausting, of course, but it comes with little responsibility and I can take time off whenever I want. It has however given me a unique insight into the mind of the average restaurant consumer and I have to say I am at times shocked by the appalling lack of regard some people have for those fine folks who serve them generally tasty eats day in & day out.
In short, tip your waitress and tip her well you cheap bastards.
First of all, a primer on what we get paid by our employers and how the government makes sure we get none of it.
- Contrary to popular belief, waiters, waitresses & bartenders are NOT paid minimum wage. They are paid less than minimum wage. The government allows employers a 50% payroll credit for tipped employees. So, for instance, in the State of
- I grant you, it is not a bad feeling to walk out of work everyday with some cold hard cash in my pocket. However, before I leave I am required to declare my tips to my employer so he can calculate my payroll tax. The general rule of the thumb is, at the very least, to declare your credit card tips since these days most tips are paid via credit card.
- My employer will then base my payroll tax deduction on my total hourly wages plus my declared tips. Basically, this boils down to my entire paycheck going to payroll taxes since the only cash the employer actually has to work with is the $3.08/hour. Come payday, the only thing I get is a stub with no check – just a YTD total on what I’ve paid to the government so far. So if my total payroll tax is more than my $3.08/hour I’m in to Uncle Sam for the difference. But wait, there’s more: The government uses a lovely little formula based upon the employer’s sales to calculate what they think I should have earned in tips. If what I’ve declared doesn’t fall within a certain margin of error then I’ll owe even more money come April 15th – whether I’ve actually earned that money or not.
- Basically, what I am trying to say is that tipping your server/waiter/waitress/bartender is so firmly entrenched in our economic psyche that the government has essentially given employers the right not to pay certain employees a living wage. Therefore, they have to rely on the arbitrary tips of the consumer to earn their keep. Is this morally correct? Is it OK to put the wage burden directly onto the shoulders of the consumer in one industry and not OK to do it another? (Imagine a world where you had to tip the gal behind register for selling you a Gap slim fit tee...yikes) Frankly, I don't really fucking care. It is what it is. Get the fuck over it.
So, if you’re one of those people that do not believe in the “concept of tipping” then stay the fuck home. When you go to a restaurant you are expected to pay the restaurant for its food & liquor (a.k.a. “the bill”) and the server for her service (a.k.a. “the tip”). Live it, learn it, love it. It’s just the way it is. As a server, tipping is not something that I “encourage” or “suggest”. It is something that I require. As in, I need it. It’s how I pay my bills.
Now that I’ve convinced you that tipping is something that you must do, I hope you are now wondering, am I tipping enough? For a good portion of you out there, I’m happy to say that the answer is a resounding YES!!! Sadly, there are still some out there that are woefully ill-informed as to how to TIP YOUR SERVER for good service.
Good service can be loosely defined as pleasant demeanor, accurate order taking, competent table maintenance (i.e. drink refills, dish removal) and a basic eagerness to provide an enjoyable dining experience (i.e. if food is not satisfactory will cheerfully offer to remedy the situation in a timely manner).
Bad service is the exact opposite. Sarcasm, lack of communication, general disregard for the well-being of her customers. These are the classic signs of a bad server.
Now for the tipping part: If you receive good service, tip well. If not, then don’t. It is that simple. Here are some rules to go by when faced with the dilemma of tipping for good service, just in case you’re still not sure.
Rule # 1: 15% should be seen as the minimum for good service and really 20% is the nice thing to do (and it’s just good karma).
Rule #2: An additional 5% should be added for each and any of the following scenarios
- Camping out: You’ve asked for the check, your server has run your card and dropped the receipts and you and your pals have decided to hang out to discuss world peace while nursing the free coffee and soda refills. Add 5% for every 30 minutes you’ve camped out at my table. During that time I could be a) turning my table over to a new set of paying customers, b) clocking out and moving on to my next job if it’s the end of the shift or c) clocking out and going home to bed if it’s the end of the day.
- Children: Kids! Everyone loves them, god knows I do. But, it’s a simple fact of life that they are…well…messy. And let’s face it, sometimes they are not all that well-behaved. Who can blame them? They are just kids after all. But parents are adults and in theory know better. So, when the floor around your table is covered with french fries and your server has just delivered her 3rd sippy cup of warm milk for your toddler and 5th root beer for that oh-so-precious third grader…keep that in mind come tip time.
- Picky eaters: Are you a vegan? Allergic to basil? Morbidly afraid of raw foods? Tell me before your food is delivered. Better yet, tell me before you order. A novel concept, I know but sadly, I am not a mind-reader. And if you tell me ahead of time that you absolutely positively must have every food item you’ve ordered served on a square plate and I go back to the kitchen and have a special meal prepared just for you – know that a lot of people (myself included) had to jump through a lot hoops to stop what they were doing to take care of your special request. Remember, you are not the only customer in the restaurant.
- Large groups: If you are with a party of 5 or more people try to keep in mind that your server has more customers than just your table. Under the best of circumstances waiting on a large group can be very taxing. So, when she comes to the table and asks if she can get you anything - tell her. Don’t send her back and forth to the bar a 1000 times by ordering drinks one person at a time. And seriously, if you are a high maintenance party of at least 8 people and with big drinkers and eaters that are camping out and your server has given you decent service - 25% is the least you could do because she totally busted her ass to make sure that you were all happy
- Separate checks: If you’re going to pay by separate checks, tell your server ahead of time, before she starts taking the order. Restaurant computer systems are rarely programmed by anyone who has ever actually waited on tables, so once your order has been placed, it can at times be a very complicated process to separate it out. Also, when paying separately, there is always one cheap bastard in the group who feels they don’t have to tip because they know everyone else is. Keep this in mind when paying your portion of the tip. Think of it as a stupidity tax for hanging out with assholes.
- Messy people: Have you been blowing your nose a lot through out the meal? Perhaps you’re a compulsive cracker eater? Remember I’m the one who has to clean up all of those grody tissues, wrappers and cracker crumbs. If at the end of your meal your table looks like a de-militarized zone, despite the best efforts of your server and her beleaguered bus-person, tip her well
- Awkward situations: Have personal problems at home? Try not to argue with your wife or scream at your children in front of your server. It’s just weird. Conversely, don’t make-out and grope your mistress while I’m trying to serve you a couple of steaks. That’s why God invented hotels & room service. If you just can't seem to keep your personal life private, at least have the good taste to tip your server a little extra for having the good sense to ignore your poor conduct.
- Who pays the bill?: If your server brings you the check and you’ve decided to involve her in the argument of whose husband gets to pick up the check again, the least you can do is tip her for putting up with being placed in such a awkward situation against her will.
- Extra-special service: Last, but certainly not least. Has your server gone out of her way to make sure that your dining experience is a pleasant one? Maybe she suggested a particularly satisfying menu selection or she helped your 90 year old grandmother to the ladies room? Has your server gone out of her way to do anything for you that really isn’t part of her job description? If so, tip accordingly.
- Unless you’re choking, don’t interrupt your server when she is helping another customer.
- Don’t ever grab me or poke me to get my attention. It’s rude, and it’s a surefire way to wind up with a martini in your lap.
- Don’t wave at me or yell for me across the restaurant. It’s bread and it’s free – babies won’t die if you have to wait another 2 minutes before you get that 3rd loaf of sourdough.
- When I start to clear the dishes off of your table – don’t start handing them to me all at once. While I appreciate the effort, it’s not my first time clearing dishes and if you start piling them up in my hands all at once, I’ll drop them in your lap.
- Don’t ever grab anything off of my tray. Ever. Carrying a tray full of food and/or drinks is a balancing act and I will spill margaritas down your grandmother’s back if you grab that Coors Light before I’m ready to serve it to you. And really who wants to see Granny wearing a margarita soaked sweater set?
- Don’t talk to your server like she’s an idiot, or a 2nd class citizen. Thurgood Marshall waited on tables before he became Chief Justice of the Supreme Court so let’s refrain from the character judgments, shall we?
Rule #4: Base your tip on the gross sales of your total dinner bill.
- Are you paying part of your check with a gift card or coupon? Your tip should be based on the bill prior to any discounts or deductions. If your bill is $80 and you have a $50 coupon, don’t leave a $6 tip and think you are some sort of 20% big-tipper, because you are not. In fact, you are a cheap asshole.
- Did you get any of your food or liquor comped? Unfortunately, the health department frowns on me tasting your food before I put it on the table so it’s not my fault you had to send back that food because it was undercooked. My job is to make sure you don’t have to pay for it. If I’ve done that well, with a pleasant demeanor – then tip accordingly.
- Similarly, if your best friend owns the restaurant and you’re eating for free even though I’ve been waiting on you hand and foot for the last hour – tip accordingly. Nobody likes privileged assholes like you and it just means that the next time you come in someone will probably fart on your dessert before it leaves the kitchen.
Rule # 5: Tip your carry out person.
- Ordering carry out? Unless you’re ordering from Domino’s, typically the person who’s taking your order and making sure it doesn’t get completely lost in the kitchen is some poor server who got stuck with “take-out” duty that night in addition to her regular tables.
- It doesn’t have to be 15% - 20% but a give a girl a little something for the effort.
Rule # 6: No excuses, please.
- The only excuse for a shitty tip is bad service (see above). The following excuses are not valid reasons for a shitty tip:
- Foreigner: I don’t care if you are British, or French, or freaking Scotch-Romanian. You are in
- Old people: Simply because you are old enough to remember life before television is not an excuse. If you drive up to the restaurant in a Benz and pay with a platinum AmEx don’t cheap out and play the “but we’re senior citizens card”. If you really are on a fixed income then you shouldn’t be spending your money on $12 martinis and shrimp cocktails. And you wonder why your children never visit…
- Young people: School’s out for the week and you and your pals want to chow down on some fine eats after smoking a fatty in your old man’s SUV? Do yourself a favor and tip your server well, she probably takes spinning classes with your mom.
